I am tired of living a fat life.
When I wake up in the morning, usually from the sound of my crying toddler… I am exhausted. Sometimes, okay, a majority of the time she wakes up two or three times a night, which doesn’t help. When I do get to sleep I toss and turn and don’t feel I get a lot. I’m in auto pilot right now. I have been on auto pilot since coming back to work from mat leave.
After I am woken up at 5 am; I usually breast feed my toddler in bed so I can drift in and out of sleep until 6:30. We have to be out of bed by 6:30 to start our day. If my daughter has woken up at some point in the night I’ve usually brought her back into my room so I can fall asleep while she nurses. I get more sleep that way.
We walk into the kitchen and I put my toddler up in her chair, she buckles herself in and I start to make her breakfast. Banana (or some fruit), Greek Yogurt and a piece of whole wheat toast with peanut butter. I set this in-front of her with a glass of homogenized milk and allow her to watch some cartoons on my iPad. This allows me to take the dog outside then get dressed and ready for work.
When I am finished dressing, hair, teeth and some days make-up, I make myself a coffee.
I sit down with my daughter and I drink my coffee while she finishes her breakfast, usually enough for two sips. Then its time to get her dressed.
My back aches and my legs hurt and I”m stiff, but I lift her through the pain of being overweight/obese. I smile as we do the airplane into her room. She picks out her outfit and get her changed. She picks out her hair bows and we put on her shoes.
By this time, I have enough time to take a big gulp of my coffee and we head outside for 5 mins to play, she is so sweet and loves being outsidte, we are waiting for ‘Daddy’ to come home with the vehicle (Daddy works a permanent night shift).
I load her up into the car, she says by to Daddy and we drive to drop her off at a home daycare. Half the time she’s crying over something, her shoes or sox, or her seat, other times she’s smiling. I’m driving while already exhausted from the morning. I feel sluggish and I’m paying attention to her in the mirror and the traffic around me.
We get to the daycare and drop her off. Monday mornings are the worst. I basically drop her and her bag off say good by and leave. She doesn’t like mondays either. The rest of the week it depends on how our mornings go.
Then its the drive to work, I usually pull into Tim Hortons (the source of my major food addictions and a weak spot) I order a multigrain bagel toasted with butter on both sides (or plain cream cheese on both sides), medium double double and a chocolate chip muffin, I HAVE to have the chocolate chip muffin.
After the 20 min drive across town, I park and walk the 10 minutes into my work, usually feeling a bit high from the carbs and coffee.
I have a kurig machine in my cubical so I make myself another coffee, as I’m just exhausted. I live in a fog. Most days its a fight to stay awake, unless I drink more coffee.
I sit for most of the day, minus a few times where I meet with people or venture into someone elses cubical to assist them or talk about work projects. I don’t drink near enough water, although lately I’ve been drinking way more than I used to. I don’t usually snack because I”m working at the computer.
Lunch comes and I am famished. I just want something that tastes good, that is super yummy and a lot of it. I want to feel full and happy (I’m just realizing what I’m saying as I type this and I’m crying… I want to feel full and happy… I didn’t realize that’s what I was trying to do until just now).
So my typical lunch is: Sun-dried tomato wrapped ceaser salad and BBQ chicken, with a side of fries or sweet potato fries; or a garden burger with fries or sweet potato fries, or its pizza, or its poutine. Usually iced tea or water to drink.
I feel so full after this and usually not in a good way. But it tastes so good, its food and its yummy and I’m happy eating the food that tastes so good (but I’m really not).
Then I’m back up sitting in front of the computer for the rest of the day. When 3pm hits I need another coffee. I can’t go without it or I’ll fall dead asleep in my cubical. I’m so exhausted and sometimes its a fog how I get through the day. I have no energy to get up unless its to the bathroom and I isolate myself away from everyone.
The mirror in the bathroom makes me angry and cry. It is the size of the wall. I see myself every day in that mirror and I don’t really recognize what I see. I don’t like that I have a huge belly that is bigger than when I was 42 weeks pregnant (yes I was pregnant for 42 weeks). I look at my acne covered plump face, my thinning dull hair, my dark circles under my eyes, my belly not able to fit completely into my pants and my thighs showing cellulite through my pants. I cringe. I can barely stomach who I look like and I’m angry. I’m angry at myself as I only have myself to blame.
Work is finished and I’m racing out to my car, relieved to get inside. Off to pick up my daughter from daycare and find out what kind of a day she has had. I miss her. When I arrive she’s always so happy to run to me and yell “mommy” and we hug and kiss. Love that part of my day. Then we’re in the car and home. Where I breastfeed her and we cuddle.
I then after about 15-20 mins get up and start to make dinner, if my hubby is awake and off of his iPad he’ll take my daughter up to the park to play while I prepare dinner, as I can’t really play with her at the park anyways. I can only sit and watch as I don’t have the physical abilities to do so. Instead of going with them and just feeling so sad, I stay and cook… and eat. What do I make? what do I make? what do….. oh man okay, what is quick? That is how I think. What is quick. Sophia usually gets a veggie, protein source and complex carb, then a fruit. My hubby 90% of the time doesn’t eat with us because he works nights and is never hungry that time, so i’m making food for me and for him later before he goes to work. I usually make a pasta these days. They are easier in the summer. Some sort of protein. I have no idea what portion I’m ‘supposed’ to eat, nor do I care, I’m exhausted and I’m hungry and that’s all I know. Heck, I’ll be honest, take-out happens a lot! I do care what my daughter has and I make sure she’s at least eating something with protein or a veg that she’ll eat lots of. She doesn’t get store juice, I have a juicer at home and I make her juice.
I sit down and my daughter and I eat together, my hubby usually off in the living room watching tv on his iPad or on occasion sitting with us drinking a coffee. He’s exhausted too.
Then after dinner its bath time and Daddy takes my daughter and they go have a bath while I clean up the kitchen table, get our her pj’s and diaper, and I wait for them to be finished where I’ll nurse her to sleep in her toddler bed… its a toss up and its anywhere from 1/2 hour to 2 hours depending on what type of mood she’s in or how long she’s napped.
Then I’m up still trying to have some sort of time with my husband before he goes to work and I go to bed. Chores pile up and my energy level is so low most days the laundry waits till the next day. I sit there staring blankly into my digital world. Dead tired, no energy and exhausted.
Two weeks ago I started having really bad heart palpitations. I went to emerge unsure if I was having a heart attack or stroke. I prayed to God “please get me out of here alive and well”. I remember saying to myself “What am I doing here again, what is this life I”m living? I am too young to die this way.”
They did every test they could, they all came back fine. The ECG or EKG whatever it was called showed nothing bad going on, the blood-work was all fine, the x-rays were clear, they never caught the palpitations happening. They continued on pretty strong for the next few days and I made an appointment with my Dr. I told her I was so scared something was going on, but she said the same thing the ER said, I was fine as all the tests were clear. They both said I was too stressed out and drinking way to much caffeine. I disagreed with them, I said I’m too overweight for my heart to be okay. My Dr. was confident it sounds strong and good, and she’s not worried. She did though to ease my worrying and sent me to the cardiologist who ordered me to have a monitor set up on me for 24 hours, more tests but wasn’t worried about it. I haven’t heard back from them to book that yet.
That was my wake-up call, that is why I’m here. My Aunt has been using Isagenix for years and we’ve talked frequently about getting me on the program. I knew enough was enough and If I could find two people to go on this journey with me, I knew I could succeed.
I liked Isagenix because its all natural, organic and healthy. Unlike other programs that are full with chemicals and toxins. This program is going to help me so much and I’m so excited to see where this journey leads me.